Side Effects May Include
by PigeonChicks
Summary: Hermione and Draco have a secret relationship – a relationship so secret that they must hide it from everyone. But when a surprising message comes from the future, they must fight for their love – and their lives!
1. Chapter 1

**Side-Effects May Include**

"Out of my way, Grainger! God damn you smell like a troll's salty leavings." Malfoy shoved past Hermione, who fell roughly into the stone walls of the castle corridor.

"How would you know what a troll's salty leavings smell like? Do you have to clean up after Crabbe and Goyle, your twosome team of boyfriends?" Hermione retorted smoothly, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, insulting my sexuality? Like that hasn't been done before! All you're doing is getting their hopes up for me to cruelly crush!" Malfoy bwafaawed.

"You're a jerk!" Ron squeakily added his slow two cents'.

"Come on, Hermione. You won't get anywhere with reason. Just ignore him." Harry conveniently neglected to remember that she hadn't exactly tried reason.

"Right then." Hermione gave Malfoy a look. "Better give him some time to go polish Professor Snape's broomstick before potions class."

"So now I'm gay and a necrophile? Well played Grainger." Malfoy drawled sarcastically and sauntered off with his entourage.

"Always glad to see the back of him." Ron muttered, not realizing that his comment could be taken in two ways.

"Um." Harry looked uncomfortable.

"Right. Nothing I can't handle, but thanks for your help. It's weird! He's being so much more mean to me lately." Hermione sighed.

"It's because he's Irish!" Ron piped up, completely wrong.

"Maybe he has a crush on you." Harry suggested, laughing along with Ron at the thought of anyone loving Hermione.

"Yeah right. Ha ha. Well, I have to go now." Hermione started backing away.

"But it's almost curfew and they're sending out the curfew goblins!" Ron quaked in terror.

"I've already told you, Ron: there aren't any curfew goblins. It was just a rabbit!" Harry sighed.

"It wasn't! You wouldn't be saying that if you had seen it too! You believe me, right Hermione?" Ron turned to find that Hermione had left.

"Oh no, Ron, it got her!" Harry teased him.

Ron looked sour and stalked off to bed.

As Ron and Harry drifted off into peaceful slumber, Hermione found herself waiting anxiously by the side of the lake in the pale moonlight. She studied her own reflection in the waters. What did he see in her? Surely he was not overcome by her beauty, as she was somewhat average-looking and couldn't do a thing with her bushy hair. With all the studying she did, there was seldom time for that. She sighed.

"Brown-eyed brown-haired white Anglo-Saxon Witch. Nothing exciting there."

Suddenly, a reflection slid into the lake to rest next to hers.

"Oh, I don't know. I rather like what I see."

"Draco, are you talking about yourself?" Hermione hid her immense surprise behind a wry smile.

Malfoy raised his eyebrow, "Maybe." He chuckled.

"You're awful!" She gave him a light shove and then pulled him by his necktie into a kiss.

"Make up your mind." He closed his eyes and took in her perfect pink lips.

They parted and paused a moment to watch the silver moonlight thrown about by the black ripples of the lake. Hermione sighed again, a wind-swept look of longing on her face.

"It's getting harder to keep up the façade with my friends everyday, Draco."

"I told you: You don't need _those _friends. Mine are much higher class!"

"Then why do we have to lie to them too? Honestly, you shouldn't have pursued me if you couldn't love a mudblood." She turned from him, feeling a stinging in her eyes.

Malfoy gently cupped the side of her face and turned her to look at him.

"Who said I didn't love you?" He dropped the L-bomb.

Hermione's face flushed bright red and her eyes widened in surprise.

"But I was convinced with your family's status in the wizarding world that you were just using me to rebel against your parents."

"I was." He gave her that sleazy smile that she loved so. "But then my reason changed."

He looked pensive for a moment.

"Wait." He began. "If you thought I didn't actually like you, why did you agree to see me in the first place?"

Hermione gave him a frosty glare.

"Unlike some people, I loved you from the beginning." She lied.

In reality, she had just wanted to know what it was like to have a boyfriend, and hadn't particularly cared who it was. Love was just a side-effect.

"You look beautiful tonight." Malfoy squinted in the darkness as he quickly changed the subject.

Hermione only blushed in response.

"I like how you decided to wear the moon in your hair." He attempted to run his fingers through her locks, but then they got caught.

Deciding to cut his losses, he pulled her into another kiss. He gave up on freeing his hand as he freed his unrestrained passions. As they fiercely locked lips and Malfoy fumbled with the clasps of her bra, they heard a quiet yet pervasive noise.

"Nooooooooo!" It was so quiet, that it could have been the wind.

"Did you hear something?" Hermione asked between kisses.

"No." Malfoy continued to wrestle with her bra.

"Don't do it!" The quiet, mournful voice pleaded.

Hermione pushed him gently away and he cursed his lack of manual dexterity.

"I definitely heard something and you did too." She looked around in concern.

"Oh come on! Who cares?" Malfoy shouted. "It's probably some pervert watching us." He was painfully aware of his visible lust.

"It said, 'don't do it'. Don't do what? I'm a little creeped out…let's go inside."

Malfoy felt slightly like crying and yelling at the same time. Instead, he put his hands in his pockets and briskly took off towards the castle so she wouldn't see.

"Wait for me!" Hermione followed him, her face flush in the moonlight.

After the lake failure, Malfoy was somewhat put out. While walking the corridors, he had a sudden flash of inspiration and took her hand. He pulled her behind a secret tapestry.

"No one should be able to perv-spot us here." He gave a strained smile.

"I don't know…it was kind of a mood-killer." Hermione look anxious.

He leaned towards her and put his hands against the wall on either side of her.

"I think I can take care of that." He raised an eyebrow.

He pulled her into an embrace, lightly kissing her eyebrows and nose until his lips came to rest on hers. As the kiss deepened and she pulled at the back of his robes, they heard it again.

"Noooooooo!" The voice was louder.

"Stop!" A different voice of equal volume added.

"What's going on?" Hermione cried.

Malfoy flung the tapestry back, but nothing was there. Not even a meddling bastard Professor Snape. His mind raced as he tried to come up with a new love nest.

"Got it!" He muttered, ignoring Hermione's protests and dragging her to the only non-haunted bathroom in Hogwart's.

He feverishly checked in every stall and corner as Hermione watched in mild alarm. Locking the door with an air of finality, he looked back at her in triumph.

"There! This is the only ghost-proof bathroom in Hogwart's and there is no human or other magical creature present. This time for sure!"

Hermione found herself even less in the mood than last time.

"You know…I kind of have a test tomorrow and I probably need to study some more…"

"I HAVE NEEDS TOO!" Malfoy screamed a little more crazily than he had intended to.

"You know, you're really smart so you probably don't even need to study." Malfoy covered his outburst with compliments.

"Well, I had read the textbook three times before start of term and then two more times since…" She smiled shyly.

"Yeah. I've always admired your intellect and dedication, but because of my family I had to hide it under teasing and all around being a bastard." Malfoy finally admitted the truth.

"I know you're trying, but I also know you're being honest." Hermione smiled at him softly. "And it's that delicate blend of asshole behavior and soft, tender kindness that I love so." She finished in a throaty whisper.

She leaned up and her lips barely brushed against his.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" A blood-curdling scream was joined by a second,

"STOOOOOOOOOOP!" and by a new third,

"WAAAAAAAAH!"

"What the hell?" Malfoy screamed as Hermione looked around in terror.

Three wispy forms materialized into the middle of the room. They were children, appearing to be a toddler, seven year old and ten year old. The eldest boy had blond hair and looked haggard and thin. His two younger counterparts were girls dressed in tattered sleepwear who looked unkempt.

"Impossible! They can't be ghosts." Malfoy was alarmed.

"Who are you?" Hermione attempted to open a dialogue with them.

"We aren't ghosts. We are astral projecting from the future."

"But…why?" Hermione asked.

"Because… we have a warning for you."

"Who are you?" Hermione repeated her question.

The response chilled her to the bone.

"We are your future children."

Malfoy fainted.


	2. Chapter 2

Hermione was finally able to revive Malfoy with some smelling salts she kept on her person. You may think it strange, but considering her roommate was Poppy Possumheart, it made perfect sense.

"That smells hideous." Malfoy groaned, putting a hand to his head.

Opening his eyes, he saw the three ghostly children again.

"Who the hell are…oh." He fainted again.

Round two with the smelling salts proved more fruitful.

"Why on earth are you here?" Malfoy was quite irate.

"To warn you!" The eldest child moaned.

"Please heed us!" The eldest girl cried.

"WAH!" The youngest just cried hungrily.

"Oh my God! You look so…awful! Why aren't we taking care of you?" Hermione was horrified.

"Wait, wait, wait, wait. That's assuming that they're telling the truth. What if they're Potter's ghostly babies. His childhood neglect makes him the ideal person to repeat the cycle with his own children." Malfoy reasoned.

"We are the children of Hermione Grainger and Draco Malfoy!" The boy pleaded.

"Crap."

"What are your names?" Hermione tried to make up for her future bad parenting by being a good hostess.

"I am Grevillea and this is my younger sister, Delphinium."

"How lovely." Hermione smiled.

"And I," the eldest began, "am Scorpius."

Hermione snorted.

"I'd never name my child anything so stupid!"

"But I've _always_ wanted a son named Scorpius!" Malfoy stamped his foot impetuously on the floor.

"Why?" Hermione looked at him in a completely different light.

"'Cuz I like scorpions, okay? Why are you a mudblood? Can't be helped in either case." Malfoy shook his head.

"I suppose…" Hermione remained unconvinced and vowed to change the wretched child's future.

"How did you end up like this?" Malfoy was certain he would never be poor enough to have such unsightly children. Ever.

Then he had a sudden realization. Surely his and Hermione's differences after years of marriage would prove to be too much. Distressed at her social inferiority at his selfless money-having abilities, she would surely throw herself into her research to distract from the pain. This, in turn, would cause her to neglect her wifely duties and the children would become ragamuffins from her selfishness. How tragic!

"It's so horrible." Hermione looked at the children with sympathy.

But wait! That _must_ be it. Being wed to a mudblood, Draco's parents would surely disown her and any subsequent children. Consumed with love, but having no capacity for any degree of labor, manual of other, Draco would have to suffer the stench of failure by lying on the couch in depression. He would neglect his wifely duties and the children while she supported them with her brilliant research. Helpless, she would watch her family fall apart. How heartbreaking!

"I'm sorry that your mother is a research whore!" Malfoy cried.

"Forgive your father! He wasn't born with any skills!" Hermione fought back hot tears.

"Wait. What?"

"We hate it when you fight!" Grevillea cried.

"Oh, I just knew it! Our differences were too great!" Hermione rocked back and forth.

"No, you both get along very well and you used to have a very happy marriage." Scorpius interrupted their hysteria.

"So Draco's parents disown us and we are forced to live in poverty?"

"No. Grandpa and Grandma die a few years prior to your marriage, leaving father their vast fortune." Scorpius shook his head.

"Mumsy and Pah-pah die?" Malfoy asked, his lip quivering.

"Well then, I don't understand." Hermione was greatly perplexed.

"I know what it is." Malfoy recovered himself. "It's your addiction to research! You abandon the children because of your lust for knowledge!"

"No. Mother homeschools us. Or at least…she did."

"I die?" Hermione's eyes widened. "That's what happened, isn't it? Draco can't cope without me because he lives in the tender cocoon of wealth, sheltered from the icy chill of reality."

"Hey." Malfoy gave her a sideways glance.

"I'm sorry, baby. I just get so anxious and blurt out whatever comes to mind." Hermione gave his hand a gentle squeeze.

Malfoy smiled tenderly.

He turned to the children. "Enough of these guessing games! Tell us the truth. What is your warning?"

"We've been trying to tell you for some time now." Grevillea muttered.

"We have come to stop our birth." Scorpius was rather blunt.

"Why?" Hermione was taken aback. "Life is a blessing."

"Not anymore! We don't know what happened, but everything suddenly fell apart. Life is horrible now!" Scorpius yelled, causing Delphinium to start wailing again.

"If you aren't going to love us anymore, we don't even want to be born!" Grevillea closed her eyes tightly as she shouted.

Malfoy and Hermione were speechless with horror. Hermione, used solving problems instead of creating them, reacted first.

"Can you tell us what happened? Maybe if you can tell us how it went wrong, then we can change something now so it will all be okay." Hermione smiled lovingly.

"I'd really like to meet you and be your dad." Malfoy kicked at the ground like a shy and awkward Charlie Brown.

"Well, up until a few months ago, we were a happy family." Grevillea began.

"But then you got that stupid dog." Scorpius scowled darkly.

"I'm sorry, what?" Hermione wasn't sure how this was pertinent.

"All I know is everything was fine. Then you got this golden doodle that we named Knox and everything changed. It was subtle at first, but you just spent more and more time with Knox: prepping him for dog shows, taking him for a jog, brushing his hair, tying cute bandanas around his neck and then taking photos. Then it got weird. You would take him on picnics and leave us at home. Pretty soon, you spent all of your time with him and we were left to rot. Because you were such good parents, we had no idea how to take care of ourselves. And this is the result!" Malfoy could sense the burning outrage in Scorpius and saw himself in the young boy. Although he hadn't really thought about children, he felt a swell of pride.

"But I don't even like dogs!" Malfoy was surprised, to say the least.

"And I'm more of a cat person." Hermione added.

"But once you saw his endearing heart-shaped spot over his left eye, you were totally hooked." Scorpius lifted up an astrally-projected photograph. A chipper golden doodle was running about in a precocious princess outfit.

"That should be me!" Delphinium screamed.

Suddenly, they heard ghostly footsteps and barking.

"He's back! We can't let him know what we're doing!" Scorpius looked over his shoulder in alarm.

"He transcends time!" Grevillea hissed.

And the children abruptly disappeared.

The two were left in stunned silence.

"Do you suppose that maybe our future children are just in a deep psychosis? That does run in the family on Mumsy's side." Malfoy suggested.

Hermione turned to face him and he recognized that look of burning on her face. It was the burning need for the truth.

"Something is going on here, Draco."

"I know." He shook his head. "I guess it can't be helped. Once I see that look, I know it's all over."

"I'm going to go to the library because I don't know about you, but a future where we can't get married isn't a future that I want at all." Hermione stormed off to the library, fearing the wake of her weighty confession.

Because of this, she failed to see the soft smile that she left behind on Malfoy's face.

Hermione didn't emerge from the library for several weeks. She was so consumed by her research that she didn't even go for meals or classes. Afraid of her inevitable starvation, Malfoy was secretly having house elves send her cucumber sandwiches and hot Earl Grey tea. Eventually she emerged, looking haggard but triumphant.

"Ah ha!" She walked into the ghost-proof bathroom where, unknown to her, Malfoy had been waiting every evening in hopes that she had found the answer. "We aren't horrible people who should never get married after all!"

"How so?"

"I'm glad you asked." She smiled. "THIS!" She thrust a book into his arms.

It probably weighed thirty pounds and Malfoy barely saved his dignity by struggling to keep it from crashing to the ground.

"What am I looking at?"

"Right here." Hermione pointed. "Does this look familiar?"

Malfoy squinted at an old sketch of a dog adorned with rich dressings. He took particular note of the breed and its stupid heart-shaped patch of fur.

"Really?" Hermione nodded. "It's a cursed dog? Can you even curse dogs?"

"Apparently. And this one is cursed to live like a king at its owner's expense. It demands all of their love, time and attention until it eventually consumes their souls. It doesn't affect children, since they legally have no money."

"Well, the solution is simple: we find and destroy that dog before we come of age!" Malfoy had always wanted to find a use for that ornate stabbing knife his father had given him on his fifth birthday.

"Yes. But finding it will be quite difficult. It lives a charmed life and is nearly impossible to detect unless you know what you're looking for."

"Well, we do now thanks to your research." He gave her a kiss on the forehead.

"But where should we even begin to look? I kept on shooing Harry and Ron away from the library, but really, maybe it would be better to have more help." She looked pensive.

"How in the world will they be able to help? Potter is the product of a dead family that doesn't take care of him and Weasely is stupid and poor, the product of urchins." Malfoy drawled, not wanting his chance at being heroic to vanish like a shooting star.

"Wait." Hermione breathed. "Now that you mention it, his family _is_ really poor."

"Well…yes. But it's kind of mean when you say it, since he is your friend and all." Malfoy tried not to get too excited.

"No, I mean they've been a lot poorer lately. They didn't even send Ron a sweater this year. In fact…his parents sent only one owl this whole semester. It was a Christmas card with a picture of their new dog, Mr. Woofles."

Malfoy felt a chill.

"I only got a brief glimpse of it, but it had a golden doodle with a heart-shaped patch over its eye. And Ron complained that Mr. Woofles was all they had written about." Hermione sat down on the sink.

"Well, that makes this easier then. Our path is clear." Malfoy looked up in resolution.

"What?" Hermione looked aghast, knowing what he was going to say.

"We've got to kill Weasely's dog." He paused for effect. "I'll go get my knife." He left the bathroom.

"Heaven help us." Hermione shuddered, and then left to go get hers.


	3. Chapter 3

"Why hello, Hermione." Mrs. Weasley answered the door. She purposely ignored Malfoy. "What brings you here?"

Hermione opened her mouth to speak.

"Oh, it must be to meet little Ronny-kins! Don't worry, Hermione, he'll be home in a few hours. Oh, he'll just be so happy to see his one true love waiting for him in the parlor, having captured his mortal enemy. Anyway, I'm off to fetch champagne for Mr. Woofles. Make yourself at home. Except for you." She gave Malfoy a pointed look before breezing off.

There was an awkward silence.

"So this is Weaseley's house…" Malfoy looked around. "It's about how I imagined it to be."

"More or less…I guess they've made some changes." Hermione felt a little ill.

The walls, which had been re-papered with a tacky dog bone motif, were covered with hundreds of photographs of Mr. Woofles. Mr. Woofles the pirate, Mr. Woofles the banker, Mr. Woofles with a beret and other examples of the dog wearing small clothes and stupid hats stared ominously at them as they went to sit on the couch, which was now more of a large dog bed covered in golden doodle hair. Where the pictures ended, a cascade of artwork continued. Mr. Woofles, apparently, was also a prolific artist. His style seemed to be grounded in the abstract, as framed canvas after canvas were covered in paint splotches and paw prints. Hermione nervously cast a glance at the peril clock and found that all other hands had been ripped out, replaced by only one that said "Mr. Woofles" and rested comfortably on the "pampered" marking.

"All right," Malfoy took his wand out, "let's get down to business. I personally don't have anything against animal cruelty but I know that you're sensitive about these things, dear. So if you want to close your eyes, now would be the time."

"No!" Hermione gently, yet firmly restrained him. "We should make a plan first. This dog sounds dangerous and we don't really know what we're dealing with."

"Well, what do you suggest we do?" Malfoy sat down on the dog bed-couch, rather put out.

"I think we should catch it by surprise and ambush it!" Hermione smiled.

She heard breathing over her shoulder. Fearing Ron had come home early, she turned around. Her eyes were met with impassive, cold black eyes that seemed to swallow everything up inside of them. She could see how people would lose themselves inside this dog's piercing gaze.

"It's so beautiful." She breathed.

"No Hermione! Don't be fooled!" Malfoy pulled her away. "_Expelliarimus_!"

The dog sprang backwards and missed the spell, arcing majestically before landing neatly on the floor.

"Why the hell did you do that? It doesn't have a weapon!" Hermione screamed.

"It's the only one they taught us in that defense class. It just came out!"

Baring its teeth and growling, Mr. Woofles backed towards the wall…and then started to back up the wall. Like a hideously cute spider it walked up the entire way, its nails clacking against its own artwork

"This wasn't in any of the books." Hermione whispered in terror. "What else do you think it can do?" She was horrified by the unknown.

"_Incendio_!" Malfoy reacted quickly, but the dog again did a graceful back flip and landed on the ceiling. It gave a throaty growl, cast into shadows by its own photos which were now on fire. It scampered along the ceiling, knocking the light fixtures askew, and ran down the wall and across the floor, clearly aiming for the two young lovers.

"Hermione, look out!" Malfoy pushed her out of the way as Mr. Woofles lunged for her throat.

Hermione stumbled to the side, but the dog quickly re-adjusted by springing off of Malfoy's face and leaving long bloody scratches.

"Hermione!"

"_Flipendo_!" Hermione finally reacted, repelling the dog.

Mr. Woofles flew backwards and slammed into the opposite wall, smashing it and sending an explosion of plaster and hunks of drywall throughout the room.

"Yeah!" Malfoy whooped for joy. "You got him - uh! …Oh."

As the cloud of dust and building materials cleared, they saw Mr. Woofles standing amidst the wreckage completely unharmed. The dog snorted dust out of its nose in an endearing sneeze and then began to stalk along the side of the room, menacingly circling the terrified duo.

"Okay let's think." Hermione gulped down her rising panic. "It's too fast for us to hit on our own. So I'll cast a spell and once it's moved to dodge it you attack while it's in midair and can't redirect itself."

"Right." Malfoy gave a quick nod of agreement, never once taking his eyes from their opponent.

"_Petrificus Totalus_!" Hermione shouted.

A blast of magic burst from her wand and hurtled towards Mr. Woofles, who nimbly sprang into the air to avoid it. At that exact moment Malfoy cast his own attack.

"_Avada Kadavra_!" A green flash of light arced across the room directly at Mr. Woofles, who was still in mid jump. Just as it looked as if they had won, the dog suddenly contorted itself grotesquely. With a sickening crunching of bones its body warped into a hideous puppy bridge that the spell passed harmlessly beneath. It collided with a fish tank that rested on the table behind them, killing all occupants. Mr. Woofles' twisted body just as suddenly reverted to its original form and the dog completed its landing with flip and playful yip.

"Holy Crap! What do we do now?" Malfoy shouted in frustration.

" I… I don't know!" Hermione stammered.

"Well what good was all that research you did?" Malfoy gestured wildly to emphasize his point. Unfortunately his palms were slick with sweat due to nervousness and fear, and his wand slipped from his grip and went sailing across the Weasley's living room.

"Fucking Weasleys!" Malfoy flipped out and blamed others for his misfortune. "Can't afford any god damn air conditioning!"

Just then Mr. Woofles yipped with delight and went chasing after the wand. It soon came trotting back towards them with the wand clenched between its teeth and its tail wagging madly.

"Uh… Good boy." Malfoy said hesitantly. The dog cocked its head to the side endearingly, all the malice gone from its eyes. "Yeah. That's right you stupid rotter. Give me the stick and we'll play fetch like chums. Maybe there's a treat in it for you, eh?" Malfoy reached his hand out in an effort to reclaim his wand.

Mr. Woofle's eyes flashed red and the wand snapped in half as it bared its razor sharp teeth. The dog lunged at Draco and viciously tore into his outstretched arm.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" Malfoy screamed in agony as the monster shredded his flesh.

"It won't get off!" Malfoy yelled, ineffectively punching it in the head.

"DRACO!" Hermione rushed to his side and tried to pry its jaw off.

The dog glared at her in rage, and backed off while giving Malfoy's arm a good shake for measure. When Hermione didn't give up, it slashed at her stomach with its back legs. Her body froze in shock and she found herself unable to move and breathe. Falling over to her side, she was finally able to gulp some air down.

"Hermione!" The dog clamped down harder. "WHY THE HELL CAN'T WE EVEN BEAT A DOG! IF SHE DIES I'LL MAKE YOU INTO A WALL HANGING!"

Hermione gingerly tested her stomach and pulled her fingers back to see blood. Clenching her teeth, she tore the bottom of her ruined shirt off and tied it tightly around her abdomen to staunch the blood. Malfoy, struggling against the dog in an attempt to free himself, only made it more angry.

As his screams intensified, Hermione found it somewhat more difficult to come up with a good idea.

_Its jaw is locked! I know!_

"_Alohamora_!" She cast the spell at the dog, who didn't even bother to dodge.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? HELP ME! IT'S NOT A DOOR!" Malfoy choked out, trying to fight back his unmanly tears.

"I WAS JUST SLASHED IN THE STOMACH! SORRY FOR INCONVENIENCING YOU!" Hermione yelled back.

Malfoy, a student of magic, then remembered that he had a decidedly less magical weapon that he had forgotten about until that very moment.

"Right." He reached into his robe pocket with his left hand and pulled out his birthday knife. "Thanks, Dad." He looked gratefully at the blade and then slashed at the dog's side.

The knife left a deep gash and the dog yelped, letting go.

"Thank Merlin!" Malfoy looked at the deep and none-too-pleasant gouges left behind.

He took his tie off and wound it around his wounds. Mr. Woofles, not used to pain in his luxurious life, was extremely pissed off and wary of this new contender. If only _he_ could have the knife! But he didn't have any hands…yet.

"What the-"

Malfoy didn't have a chance to finish his sentence, as he gaped in horror at the dog. With the same sickening twisting and popping as before, a pair of arms forced their way out of Mr. Woofle's back.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" Hermione screamed in frustration and disgust. "WHY WON'T YOU DIE?"

The dog charged at Malfoy, clearly intent on snatching up the knife. Hermione recognized it was completely focused on the knife and saw her chance.

"_Pretificus totalus!_"

Mr. Woofles was frozen in its tracks, clearly alarmed at its miscalculation.

"NAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Malfoy screamed, and started stabbing it repeatedly.

Hermione watched, well after the fatal blow had been delivered, as he frantically continued to stab its increasingly mutilated corpse. When she finally realized he wasn't able to stop, she rushed to his side.

"Stop. It's over." She coaxingly said and gently pulled him away from their defeated future home-wrecker.

Malfoy looked around, a little less wildly, and took a couple of steadying breaths.

"Right." He panted. "Good show."

"WHAT THE HELL?"

They both turned to find Ron in the doorway. The wall of his sitting room had a huge hole in it, the glass of Mr. Woofle's 'works of art' was littered across the floor, and the furniture was torn and broken beyond recognition. The wall of the staircase was on fire and the family pet, although Ron had loathed it, was brutally slain in a way that he felt it surely hadn't deserved. To top it off, his long-time crush was in the arms of his hated enemy, and both were covered in blood. The deafening and awkward silence was broken when he dropped the groceries. Eggs spilled all over the floor. Some went spinning across the halls while others surrendered their golden treasure to the hardwood.

"Rona~ld! Don't forget to put the bacon in the cellar for the celebration we're having on the…" Mrs. Weasley stopped, if possible looking more horrified than Ron.

"Ah…Uh…You see the dog…and your house…and…." Hermione tried desperately to explain what had happened to Ron, who seemed flabbergasted, and to Mrs. Weasley, who seemed to be paralyzed.

"I think it's time to go." Malfoy gently helped her to her feet and supported her as they left the house.

Ron waved, feeling somewhat faint, and Mrs. Weasley continued to stare blankly ahead. Once they were out of sight, Ron turned to his mother.

"Mum? Are you okay?" He gave his mother a worried glance.

"Who redecorated my house like this? Why are there dog pictures everywhere? And that hideous wallpaper? And why is there s corpse on the floor and general wanton destruction?"

"Don't you remember anything about Mr. Woofles?" Ron was completely floored.

"Ronald! I told you we can't have dogs! They'll ruin the hardwood." Mrs. Weasley, trying so very hard to understand what had happened, settled on blaming Ron. "This will come out of your allowance, young man!"

"MOM!"

As Hermione and Malfoy left the Weasley abode in the distance, they felt strangely liberated. Malfoy took her hand.

"Draco! What about keeping us a secret?" Hermione looked thrilled.

"There's no point now. Weasley can't shut up, so pretty soon everyone will know." Malfoy said gruffly.

"So I was thinking, Draco, what do you think about William as a boy's name?" She gave him an imploring look.

"Rubbish! I told you: scorpions are awesome!"

Hermione sighed, knowing that she wouldn't win, but that she had at least saved her future son from one horror today. She smiled and, hand in hand, they walked off into the sunset with the rosy light reflecting off of their knives.

THE END


End file.
